Comparison & Self destruction.

by - Monday, December 05, 2016

Self destruction, is it a skill? because if it is, I might be a master! Seriously, I've always compared myself to others and have always felt like I wasn't enough and I hate this thing the most about myself. No matter what others think of me or how they see me, I always tend to deny the positive things about myself and it comes off as "humble" but in reality, there's a very tiny difference between being humble and feeling like you're not enough.

I don't know what makes me feel like this. Is it because, as a child, no matter how hard I was working in school and how good my grades were I would still get compared to my peers and relatives? Or is it just an excuse to push the blame on other people and play the victim? What if it's a mixture of this and that? It probably is.

Recently, and you probably know this by now, I have started going to uni and this has affected me in so many ways. I'm slowly but surely starting to learn new things about myself. For example, I've learnt that I tend to spend extra time and effort to make other people happy to an extent that it's starting to hurt me. I've also learnt that I'm not very organised and that I'm rather spontaneous which is both a blessing and a curse (mostly a curse).

Moreover, I have developed a very negative habit of self-doubt and low key self-destruction. I think it's a result of comparing myself to others constantly and it's so exhausting emotionally. I feel that uni is the perfect environment for the growth of comparison.

When you are in the middle of struggling to understand this very complicated and difficult subject and then you take a step back and look around only to find that everyone around is so ahead of you. At this point you become vulnerable and start questioning yourself. You start feeling that you're not enough. This is exactly what is happening to me. It's started to ruin everything that I do. I no longer focus on myself and the "minor" work I'm doing, I just tend to destruct myself and this kind of tricks my mind into thinking that the best way to be is to copy what others are doing which I really loathe!

Despite all the negative things that I know about myself, I also have a very positive trait which is determination. I'll never compare myself to others or think poorly about myself, I'll will never discredit myself. 
I'll stop doubting myself and I'll stand up for myself. I'll try as much as I can to put myself first when the time is right.
I really wanted to share this with you because you may be experiencing the same thing and hopefully this alerts you too,
ke care <3

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