by - Thursday, October 19, 2017

I'm normally not envious, there're only a few, rare situations that can fuel my envy. But recently, I've been going through a rough time and it's been making some unwanted feelings come to the surface; feelings that I haven't felt in a long time.

Most people feel envious when they see a happy couple or see someone else's big luxurious house, but that's not the case for me. I've been getting this mixture of both sadness and envy when I see a group of friends who love and genuinely care about each other. I have never experienced this feeling and I'm only realising this now. The feeling of being included, unconditionally loved and cared about is strange to me and just like the next person, I need to feel loved.

I've always been a rather reserved person; I am not very outgoing and I keep a lot of my thoughts to myself out of the fear of not being accepted and I think it's affected my "friendships". I always catch myself smiling when I see a group of friends laughing and having fun together so I guess it's not only sadness and envy that I feel when I see that...

It must feel so good to be loved and accepted unconditionally, to be welcomed into a group of people who aren't connected to you by blood but by love. I don't know how it feels like and it saddens me because I have so much love and care to offer but I always give it to the wrong people and expect the same in return but I'm always left disappointed.
I just waste my time living half a life, not expressing myself fully just to be accepted by people that I have nothing in common with, only to find out that I have been trying to make them happy at my own expense which in turn harms my mental health deeply on the long run and I have been doing this for a very long time.

There's a void inside me right now, or it's always been there but it's getting more evident now that I have to take action to stop harming myself. I need to stop presenting a filtered, more processed version of myself to people just to be temporarily accepted. I just need to embrace my individuality and along this journey I hope to find others that will appreciate my individuality and that are willing to share theirs with me as well.

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