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How I learned to be kinder to myself ~ Where I've been | Reem
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Hi everyone ♡
I feel so much better just being back here doing what I love. I've loved blogging for as long as I can remember, but for the past few months, I have been uninspired and stayed away from it. Gradually, I stopped making videos for YouTube too. When Co-VID came around, I finally had enough time at home, doing my thing and taking time for myself for once. I was so inspired and wanted to help everyone out there; by making more content and making the stay-at-home process easier. I thought I'd stay like that for as long as the pandemic lasted— I was wrong. I gradually started being affected by how terrible everything got. Although I was grateful for mostly being healthy amidst all this, I couldn't help but slowly start feeling overwhelmed by all the changes that were taking place. I started missing my friends and my everyday life at university, even though it was incredibly stressful at times. I started getting really anxious about what everything would mean for me academically and, more recently, I started having trouble sleeping. As much as I tried to enjoy the new privileges that I was granted, like staying home more often and having more time to pursue personal endeavors, it would only work as a short-term solution and the feelings would kick in again shortly after.
To give you a brief idea of the changes that happened last year, I finished the last term of fourth-year without any tests/ finals at all; which, at the time, was a relief. I studied, but I wasn't subjected to the stress of finals for once. I finally got to spend an entire Ramadan at home with my family without having to juggle studying for finals AND fasting. I actually enjoyed most of the past year. I would occasionally worry but it would subside and I would eventually get on with my day. However, when fifth-year was around the corner and there was no sign of the pandemic coming to an end, things started to get overwhelming pretty fast. I started having thoughts about how that year was going to be and the worries kicked in. I went into the fifth year not knowing much about how it was going to be like. Seeing my classmates for the first time after being home for what felt like forever was... strange. We all had lingering worries that varied in intensity from one person to another. We simply didn't enjoy the uncertainty; especially when it had a real-life impact, on our grades, futures, and wellbeing.
Knowing that even our teachers and professors had no idea what would happen was an unsettling feeling. Even they couldn't comfort us. For the first time in my university years, I didn't have a blueprint for the year ahead, and naturally, I didn't know how to react or what to do. However, I the best that I could to stay on top of the work that, at the time, seemed so huge yet so insignificant compared to how ill people were getting. Slowly, my university adjusted to what was happening around us and we did about 80% of the term online. Online learning was a new, but mostly positive, experience for me. I still follow the same plan through to the second term, by the way. Around the end of the longest term I had to finish to date, many changes occurred and I, along with my classmates, was basically pushed around for too long until my university announced the starting date for finals. The date kept changing and the schedules edited, so the term kept getting longer. And as the term got longer and finals postponed, feelings of uncertainty and worries got worse.
I am not able to share all the details of the losses that happened around me, so to keep a long story short, I had a rough year, and so did many people. It pushed me over the edge, and at times, I couldn't see ahead clearly or even at all. It got foggy and I was tired. But I wasn't alone, and I try to remind myself that many, even more horrible, things couldn've happened. Plus, I am graduating soon! I am writing to you as I am waiting for the results of the first term to come out. I am a little anxious to this day, but I know that I gave it my all and that I did my best to get the best possible results academically without burdening my psyche with extra and unnecessary stress.
It might seem like it would've been a better ending to write about how I got great marks and got out of the first term with an A+ or something of the sort. Or to say that all the worries are behind me and that I'm past the uncertainty. However, I intended on writing this while I still had no clarity on how the first term ended, academically speaking. And I don't need to see the results to say that I am proud of myself for all that I overcame. Although I wasn't as "productive" as I would've loved to be, and as much as my pre-pandemic self would've criticised my lack of inspiration and productivity after finally having more time on my hands this past year, my current self applauds my immense efforts and perseverance through it all.
I already got the results I wanted by being kinder to myself and prioritising my wellbeing above everything else. I can't say that I feel dramatically better now, or that I am ready to churn out blog posts and videos like never before. But I can confidently say that I am better at accepting my feelings and being kinder to myself and I'm trying to keep at it even when it seems really hard to do. If I learned anything from this experience, it would be that I finally came to recognise my limits. I am closer than ever to accepting my imperfections and to slowing down when I need to. And I encourage you to do the same.
All the love & encouragement
stay safe ♡
mental health
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