My love hate relationship with The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter—And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay

by Reem - August 19, 2020

Not long ago, I picked up an E-Copy of the book: "The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter--And How to Make the Most of Them Now". I was interested in self-improvement at the time when someone recommended it and shortly after, I found myself getting the book on my tablet and reading it every day. I wasn't too into reading when I started reading it but I was already interested in the topic and it wasn't a super long book with several hundreds of pages so I wasn't put off by it. Add to that how it is structured; the author, who worked in counseling "twentysomethings" and guiding them, would give her most memorable clients a pseudonym and basically tell their stories; showing how their lives turned around after listening to her advice.

This was such a great way to hook a reader like me, who enjoys reading interesting stories, as opposed to sets of do's and do not's. Consequently, I would pick up my tablet every night before going to bed and start reading. I absolutely enjoyed the flow of the book and I think it was very well-written, not to pretend to be a critic, I am only speaking from my own point of view as an individual reader who gets bored of books pretty easily. I noticed that most nights, I would only put my tablet down when it was getting too late and I should be sleeping.

I loved the stories presented in the book, they were real, no sugar-coating was involved, just raw real-life stories. I also really liked how the author shared her own stories that also held an element of "I'm not perfect either". I found myself relating to almost each one of the clients in some way. I was eager to see how they would choose to change their lives. Oftentimes they had to make notably difficult decisions to induce change in their stagnant lives.

I honestly felt both intrigued and anxious; Intrigued to find out how those strangers' lives would turn out to be after making a change and taking charge of their own lives. Yet, I felt anxious when I thought about my own life; many of the decisions they made to change their lives for the better, seemed feasible at first and not too dramatic. But with persistence, and with persistence I mean years upon years of putting in the work and investing in a single decision they made like taking that job or getting married, which seemed like a leap of faith to me.

It showed me that a dramatic change in your life doesn't happen overnight, rather, it is often a result of investing time and effort for years to "get there". But do you actually "get there"? What does that even mean? Nothing is guaranteed, but it's best to try anyway, was the major notion I got out of the book.

It is both scary and exciting, a bit depressing too if I'm honest. It's exciting when you have a goal, work toward it for years, then eventually get what you want and live the way you always wanted to live. However, it can also be depressing when you consider the possibility that even when you try your hardest for years, you might still not get where you wanted when you first started. So, in a sense, starting to "Take action" and "Take ownership over your life" can set you up to make the best decision in your life and get where you want eventually. But let's not ignore the very possible occurrence of the other narrative.

Another point that didn't sit well with me was how easy it is for twentysomethings' lives to change entirely, even for the rest of their lives, based on some advice they took. Even the author herself expressed her worries toward this idea especially at the beginning of her career. She expressed her contentment when one of her clients emails her to thank her for the advice she gave them that later changed their lives. But she also expressed how she would like to get a peek into the lives of her other clients who hadn't called or contacted her in years. So I guess the positive outcome usually outweighs the negative?

Don't get me wrong, I am the first one to tell you that you are the only one responsible for your future and that "waiting for life" to happen to you is one of the worst things you could ever do to yourself. But there are many variables and uncertainty that make "taking action" not the be-all-end-all solution. But then again, I will keep taking action, otherwise, nothing will ever happen in my life, but I need to keep in mind that all I can do is try and that the outcome is not always in my control.

Keeping this in mind keeps the fear of the unknown at bay as well as not making "taking action" such a scary step to take. I guess I had mixed feelings after finishing this book, I even watched the author's TEDx talk afterward to make sure I understood her point correctly. After all, I enjoyed reading the book and it helped me take control over my life, especially the professional side of it; it's one of those books that make you want to take action after reading them. But please remember that direction is much more important than speed; a timeline is important, but where you're going is just as, if not much more, important than when you're arriving.

A significant section in the book presented the idea of declining fertility after the age of thirty, again, more time-urgency, but this time around, it's urging you to be in a committed relationship and have babies before thirty? While time-urgency usually proves to be helpful when it comes to careers and professional life, it often makes things worse when it comes to relationships. Rushing to get to the next step in a relationship before it's the right time is never helpful, even though I acknowledge the scientific fact that "egg-quality," as well as other factors related to childbirth, tend to be better earlier in an adult woman's life. I also got the notion that relationships should be treated and looked at in the same way as a career, which just doesn't sit right with me.

All that being said, I still think the author had good intentions, giving us a matter-of-fact presentation of life and being more on the blunt side without sugar-coating, which I appreciated and found really refreshing. I will probably read the book again at some point in the future. I'm sure I'll get more out of it and maybe change my mind about how I perceived some of the points presented.

Overall, it's a book that evoked many thoughts and brought many feelings to the surface. It emphasised the importance of "starting your life" right now and not waiting for life to happen later, which I personally agree with to a large extent. The author made great and rational points that need to be looked into and considered, so I would still advise you to read the book, and maybe tell me what you think in the comments below when you're done reading it.